Breakthrough

Expressions I'm used to hearing quite a bit lately:
"You're not the right candidate."
"We require more experience."
"This position is too senior for your experience."
"You don't have the right type of experience."
"We don't feel you're the right fit for this position."

Excuses. All of them. Excuses not to hire a talented young writer. Although things didn't end the way I wanted them at my last job my boss did me a huge favor. He took a chance and hired me. And me let me know it. "We're taking a chance on you," he remarked after offering me the job. I was unproven and unknown but showed potential. I learned a ton of useful things in my short time there. I learned that a writer can mold and morph himself to any tone, topic or idea. I don't need experience writing for pharmaceuticals to be good at it. It'll take work and research on my part to get it done right but I WILL get it done right. I was no expert in health care, high schools, luxury cars, football or any topic I wrote about there. But I became one. I believed I was one and my work won awards as a result.

Here's the status of my job search:
- 71 apps since November
- hundreds of dollars invested in printing and travel fees
- dozens of cold calls, voice mails, emails and cover letters
- a handful of interviews
- an empty voice mail inbox
- an increasingly jaded outlook on employment

About a month ago I was approached by a friend to do some small freelance articles. I've begun writing a graphic novel with him and another talented friend. What does this indicate? I think it's time to take care of myself. Time to pioneer my own gold rush. It's nothing new to me. Since graduating from college I have been entirely on my own in searching for two things: employment and respect as a writer. I've fought for every opportunity to prove myself in the past 3 years. Thankfully I eventually got help from the KC Ad Club, Camp Portfolio and the advice of some incredible local talent.

But hearing the remarks that I mentioned above make me feel a regression is approaching. I'll be forced to prove myself yet again. Fine. So be it. But if that's what's going to happen this time it's for me. I would rather prove myself as a business than to a business. So let's see if I have what it takes to make it as a freelance writer. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Making Marriage Work -- Kids

We've reached the end. K. KIDS. Already covered on the topic of SUCK: sex, understanding and communication. This is by far the shortest installment since I have no experience to speak from.

Join me, won't you?

Having kids is thankfully a bridge I have yet to cross in my life. I want a kid or two but I know I'm not ready for one now. Pass. And that's perhaps the biggest deal when it comes to kids and marriage: knowing when BOTH of you are ready. Being prepared to devote your entire life to the upbringing of a small pink and defenseless little person. I'd hate to have a kid and then resent him or her for, you know, existing. As if it's their fault. But I think it happens.

I think this issue benefits from the others we've already discussed. Sex for obvious reasons, but Communication and Understanding play major roles in determining the decision to have kids. Not to mention the entire rest of both of your own lives. Because then every decision is made (or at least should be made) on behalf of the child's best interest. Moving to a bigger house. Near better schools. No smoking. Saving for college. Buying numerous goldfish to replace Mr. Kissy Face who's died no less that 17 times.

See that -- we came full circle. Using what we've covered to help determine the results of the last issue. SCIENCE!

The reason I brought all of this is up is this: life is way too short to spend it resenting people close to you. I think we all do it. Not all the time but we have our moments. Why bother? Something happens, you don't like it -- talk about it. Then get over and then you can enjoy your road trip to your in laws (or at least enjoy the scenery). I've dealt with and tolerated too much crap to want to tolerate any more ever again. That doesn't mean crap won't come up. I'm not naive. But I think I've developed the tools to start dealing with it when it matters and then letting go. I think there's a lot to miss out on that going on around you if you're too caught up on some trivial issue.

I hope this has been insightful. Thanks for reading!

Making Marriage Work -- Communication

Words that will ruin your evening:

"It's fine."
"Nothing."
"Forget it."
"I'll do it myself."
"Nevermind."
"It's not a big deal."

Oh, and we were so close to having a nice night out -- what the hell do these vague responses mean? I know I've done something wrong but of course she won't TELL me I've done something wrong. I'm supposed to KNOW what I did wrong. But if I knew what I did wrong wouldn't I have avoided doing it? What was it? She says it doesn't matter. She's "fine". Well I know that as long as she's fine (and avoiding eye contact) I am screwed. Shit. What's the number for 1-800-Flowers?

Welcome back to another installment of Making Marriage Work. So far we've covered the risky business of sex and the all-important annuls of understanding. Next up: COMMUNICATION.

We'll touch on the introduction above shortly. First I'd like to address something we briefly mentioned in Understanding: DATES. This was a huge issue in my marriage. We didn't go on enough. We didn't go on the right types or on the right nights. The details don't matter. What mattered was that the misses felt under-appreciated by not being treated to a night out.

The solution? LISTEN. Funny how that word keeps coming up, huh? She told me there was a problem -- she's bored. So it's up to me to find a solution -- entertain her. Take her out. Show her a good time. Make her feel alive and not like a lump on the couch.

With the right type of communication the phrases at the top of this post can (often) be avoided. Or at least dealt with right away. Having the proper understanding of your partner is key to solid communication. See how these things go hand-in-hand? Communication is more than just vocal. Body language, tone, SARCASM -- all hints. Why don't we come out and just say what's bothering us? Because that's too easy. We want our partners to learn their lesson, right? To realize that they F-ed up and due to these consequences won't do it again. Except women fail to realize men are stupid and we WILL screw up again, in the exact same way. And women...well, believe they're always right and will wear you down until you, too, agree that they're always right and you're always wrong.

Good communication helps avoid this pitfall. I think a huge contributor to the death of any relationship is resentment. Solid communication will help avoid it, no bones about it. Assumptions, passive aggression, apathy and stubbornness are like arrows in a big hairy game animal -- eventually the more arrows you fire into it the sooner (and harder) it will fall, die and end up sold on the black market. If you love the one you're with don't let this happen. I've said it before: marriage isn't misery. It isn't a trap. It isn't the end of your life. Be grateful someone's chosen you to share his/her life with. Don't take that for granted. Show them what they mean to you. Tell them when something's wrong so that it can get fixed and you can move on to the next home project or tropical vacation.

Resentment breeds many colorful things: gray hair, blue balls, red faces and green divorce lawyers. None of these things benefit you.

By the way, here are the translations of the phrases at the top:

"It's fine." -- "I fucking hate you right now."
"Nothing." -- "How stupid are you to NOT notice I'm pissed? I have to spell it out for you?"
"Forget it." -- "I will never let you forget this."
"I'll do it myself." -- "You're a lazy bastard."
"Nevermind." -- "If I left you who would get the TV? Or the dog?"
"It's not a big deal." -- "This is such a big deal you better cozy up to the couch for the next month."

Tomorrow: K -- KIDS.

Making Marriage Work -- Understanding

On to the second part in our exciting series: How to Avoid Dying Alone. Yesterday we covered the juicier bits (pun intended) about sex. Today we move on to the letter U in SUCK -- Understanding.

If you're the type of person who lacks understanding of others, whether it be in understanding points of view, arguments, fantasies, expectations and so on; you're guaranteed one of two things: you will end up alone and miserable or you will end up married and miserable. Why married and miserable? Because your spouse will resent the shit out of you for not getting him or her.

Relationships are work. Hard work. But the beautiful thing is if you find a person who's worth the effort, you don't mind the work. Part of the work you have to put in is understanding who your partner is. That includes things like passions, hobbies, fears, bad habits, family relationships, pet peeves and the list goes on.

Why is this important?

We've all been there. You're with someone who's fun to be around but they just don't...get you. You constantly fight over why you refuse to fly anywhere or why you have a hobby that doesn't involve your partner or how come we don't go on dates? Some of these issues are more important than others. Like a fear of flying. If your spouse is deathly afraid of flying then you need to accept the fact that it's going to take you 2 days to get to California. But that doesn't mean issues like continuing to go on dates are not important. Those are the types of things that fall more under the umbrella of Communication, which we'll cover tomorrow.

Resentment was a huge issue that occurred in my short marriage. It basically stemmed from two issues: me not listening until it was too late and then still leaving issues unresolved. I took no action when action should have been taken and guess what? She still resented me for what I wasn't doing. Go figure, right? The longer I was deaf to her concerns the worse it got. The bottom line: if your spouse is smart enough to tell you there's a problem, LISTEN AND FIX IT. If you don't you're perpetuating a problem that's only going to lead to more fights, less sex, then more fights about sex, a little make up sex and then more fights. If you would just listen and UNDERSTAND her or his problem and then take action or at the very least talk about it and validate their feelings resentment can be avoided.

Understanding what makes your spouse tick and what drives them crazy is very important. I guarantee you'll either find yourself alone and miserable or married and screaming for a way out if you lack this simple quality. Just listen, really listen; take action and spend every day trying to make your spouse's life easier. Although a lot of marriages end up making both parties miserable, it's not supposed to be that way. I think we all know that. But we have to be willing to work toward being happy. Misery is the result of not doing anything.

See you tomorrow.

Making Marriage Work -- Do What I Say, Not What I Do

Ah, marriage. The joining of two to become one. A union of souls, if you will. A big bomb waiting to explode if you don't wet the fuse each time it sparks up.

My time as a married man is nearing its end. The wife and I have signed the papers and sent them off. Soon enough we'll both be "officially" single (meaning not just single in our Facebook status -- which, honestly, isn't that where it matters most?). By the time everything's said and done I will have a whole 11 months of marriage under my belt. That makes me no expert on the subject but I have learned quite a bit about love and commitment this past year. I invite you to read what I have to share on the topic.

This week I'll be posting what I consider the four key components of a successful relationship -- married or otherwise. What are they, you ask?

Sex, Understanding, Communication and Kids

Think you'll have difficulty remembering the list? Well here's a handy mnemonic device:

SUCK

Not to say marriage in itself sucks. Quite the contrary. It's a beautiful thing. But, without these virtues I guarantee you it will indeed suck.

This week we'll start with Sex. Check back the rest of the week for the remaining three!

SEX
Sex is critical to any successful relationship. Perhaps the most important part of fostering a successful sexual relationship occurs right at the beginning: timing. Don't rush things. Make sure you're both ready to give in. I've had plenty of friends who have decided not to wait until marriage to sleep with who they are now married to. I've also had friends who out of respect for their faith have waited. Which is better? Neither. Personally I didn't wait. I don't regret it. I think it helped form a bond earlier on in the relationship. But it's a big issue to regret such a big decision. The solution? TALK ABOUT IT.

Why is it okay for us to see each other totally naked but awkward to talk about fears, STDs, expectations and so on before the clothes come off? You have to be willing to talk about these things. Ladies, men can't read your mind. And guys, if you don't bring it up, she's going to assume everything is fine OR freak out. Neither is okay. Both totally ruin the mood.

Ok, so we're to the point of having sex. We know what each other's O face looks like. We know who's ticklish where and that the safety word is BOBBY MCFERRIN! Ask your partner what they enjoy and how they like it. You find out your wife feels demeened in doggy style? Don't do it. You husband wants you to take a more active role in sex? Give it a try. Basically, discuss and respect boundries. Don't make sex a chore or a service. Don't do anyone any favors. That kills the mood to -- when you see your partner counting ceiling tiles or yawning. Stuff like that breeds resentment and resentment leads to less and less sex and more and more drinking.

A huge part of a successful marriage is maintaining a healthy sex life. Passion will wane at times. Work hours go late and moods diminish. Kids come along and ruin intimacy for 18 years. The important thing is to always remind your partner of his or her importance to you. MAKE time for each other. Make the most of the time you share together, especially if it's rare.

In counseling I've been told one major aspect of sex from both male and female perspectives:

Men connect with women during sex. They measure the success of their relationships by the caliber of the sex. The more passionate, crazy, often and fulfilling it is mean the relationship is in good shape. I'm not saying it's logical, it's just the way we're wired.

Women can't have good sex unless they can relax and feel completely comfortable with their partner. They connect with men outside of the bedroom. The better the connection in other parts of the relationship, the better the sex.

What's this mean? It means we men have a lot of work to do outside of the bedroom. Make her feel loved and you'll have good sex. Then you'll both be in good moods until the news about the economy comes on. Then you'll turn off the TV and have sex again.

The bottom line here is be open with each other. Tell your partner what you like and dislike. Make things interesting. Don't just expect sex because there's nothing good on TV. Make an effort to feel your partner wanted (husbands, too, ladies). Be intimate. Have fun. Make babies (but get plenty of practice in first, because you'll never have sex again after one shows up).

Tomorrow: Understanding

Israel is Sexy!

I saw this ad on Facebook, the new Mecca of ridiculous ads. Granted, there are no dancing skeletons asking me about my credit score (I'm looking at you, MySpace) but these certainly come close.

I know people who've visited Israel, commonly for their religion. They didn't tell me they hung out with girls like this. Judaism is HOT! Migrant work is WAY HOT! After seeing this I'm strangely drawn to researching the benefits of picking olives in a bikini.

Sex sells, right? With the right amount of bare skin and innuendo you can sell a foot-scented rash ointment, right? Wrong. It's a cop out. Unless you're actually selling bras, panties, condoms or tit jobs anyone who works in advertising knows that sex is a last resort. Or in some cases it's a first resort but because coming up with other innovative ideas would, you know -- be WORK.

I think I'd be more inclined to visit Israel if these people told me something I didn't know about the experience and made it interesting. Silly me, right?

Although, that's not to say once in Israel I wouldn't mind running into this schiksa....